There is a secret between you and me!
A couple with poor communication and keeping secrets, becomes more vulnerable, insecure and distrustful of everything. In fact, the crisis in a relationship can start from lack of communication.
In the United States, lack of communication is the most common cause of divorce and the problem most addressed by marriage counselors.
Relationships are complicated. The relationship changes and grows. The couple learns. One of the things I've learned is that a relationship is built through sincerity, communication, commitment, trust and security, and that there are details that can gradually destroy it.
True intimacy in a relationship or marriage depends on good communication between the two. When the couple does not communicate, they move further and further away from each other. In fact, the crisis in a relationship can originate from a lack of communication. In the United States, lack of communication is the most common cause of divorce and the problem most addressed by marriage counselors.
When a relationship is sincere and communicative, it is built on concrete, it is solid. The difficult moments will come, but they will stay because both of you have developed the ability to resolve conflicts as a team.
However, when there is a secret between you and me, you step on mud and instability. Eventually, miscommunication and dishonesty will affect all areas of the relationship and each other's lives, including negatively impacting intimacy. Because what is hidden, in this case, the secret, generates a strong emotional pressure on the person who keeps it. And a great mistrust of those who suspect it.
With poor communication and also keeping secrets, the couple becomes more vulnerable, insecure and suspicious of everything. This is how the uncomfortable questions begin, the intriguing calls, the cell phone review, the security keys in everything, the persecution, the review of the accounts, the pockets, the wallets, etc... If you don't want that to happen, don't give up … Be transparent in everything, about your past and your present… We may think that a secret does no harm, but it is a form of deception.
Secrets do not make us stronger, on the contrary, they weaken our relationships and are just as dangerous as lies. Sooner or later they will come to light. Suppose that secrets are like a time bomb that will explode at any moment.
You have to communicate, but you have to know how to listen and understand. The couple will never know each other well if they do not listen and understand each other, if they do not care enough about each other to take the time to listen and understand each other. They even run the risk of having their partner's feelings stolen by someone else if they take the time to listen and understand.
Communication demands mutual respect that protects the self-esteem and value of our partner, it demands truth and confidence... Relationships fail when trust is "eroded", trust fails if it is not based on truth and the truth must be told in love.
How to eliminate the secret between you and me and improve communication
To the one who confesses
• Say what you keep, believe or feel clearly but always with respect.
• Do not assume that your partner knows what is happening, what you feel or keep.
• Take responsibility for every word you say. Don't be afraid to apologize.
• Make peace a priority.
To the one who listens
• Ask questions instead of accusations. Select your words.
• Avoid generalizations like always or never. For example: You are always late, or you never make the bed. It will be more assertive to say: I have noticed that you have been late, or Lately you have not made the bed.
• Don't frown or roll your eyes.
• Don't tease, encourage. Don't be angry, look for solutions.
• Do not close yourself to forgive.
• Make peace a priority.
Both should talk assertively and use words like I think, I feel, let's do, I want, what do you think, what do you think, how can we solve this, I would like... These words create a more pleasant and warm climate.
Remember that maintaining assertive communication with your partner does not guarantee the absence of discussions and problems, but it does facilitate mutual understanding and respect that will be forged and strengthened little by little.